The following is a transcript of a fake conversation I did not have with a Gaia’s Witness.
Gaia’s Witness: Hi. I’ve come to spread the word of Gaia.
GW: The great and almighty Gaia. The lord and protector of our planet, Earth.
Me: Are you serious?
GW: I certainly am. The divinity and benevolence of Gaia must be spread to all unbelievers.
GW: Those that do not believe in…
Me: Yeah, I got that. What’s wrong with unbelievers?
GW: They don’t believe in the one true god.
Me: You know, many people have another true god. Who are you to say they are wrong?
GW: I am a Gaia’s Witness.
Me: So, you’ve actually witnessed Gaia?
GW: Gaia is with us always.
Me: Yeah, right, of course. So, is there some sort of book, or bible or something.
GW: Gaia forbid. That would require the death of millions of innocent trees.
Me: So how do you spread the word, I mean, apart from disturbing me on this fine Sunday morning.
GW: Through our speech, and that our messiah Al Gore.
Me: Yeah, I heard you guys were calling him a prophet now.
GW: Not a prophet, the messiah.
Me: As in…
GW: The son of Gaia.
GW: How did you celebrate your last Goremas?
GW: Goremas, March 31. The birth of our messiah.
Me: I didn’t even know that was a thing.
GW: It is the most important day in the Gaia’s Witness calendar. That is, until he is martyred as he is killed by evil conservatives, influenced by wicked shock jocks.
Me: I think you’re a bit paranoid.
GW: No, it is the prophecy.
Me: I haven’t heard that before.
GW: Only the most fervent apostles have heard it.
Me: A down side of abandoning the written word.
GW: It is unimportant.
Me: So, is Gore coming back? After he is crucified at the behest of Alan “Augustus” Jones?
GW: No, why would he?
Me: I guess Jesus kicks his arse.
GW: Oh, glorious Gaia, forgive this unbeliever, for he knows not what he does.
Me: Settle down, Tim.
GW: How did you know my name?
Me: I recognise the beard.
GW: I see.
Me: So, what would you have us believe?
GW: The wisdom and the power of Gaia, of course. And you must learn the act as a nervous system for the planet.
Me: So, you can feel the earth’s pain?
GW: Yes. I can.
Me: (tosses coke can outside) That hurt?
GW: What hurt? Oh yes! Ouch. That hurt.
Me: You’re faking, aren’t you?
GW: I am not.
Me: If you weren’t, you would be in constant pain because the planet is constantly being polluted.
GW: I’m used to it.
Me: Sure. Sure. So, how do you feel about science?
GW: I don’t mind it. Especially when it has to do with the evolution of kangaroos.
Me: Yeah, I like kangaroos too.
GW:I sense you have just been humouring me. You have no intention of kneeling down to the power of Gaia, do you?
Me: I was open to it, but then you told me there was kneeling involved.
GW: You lie.
Me: Okay, you got me. What are you going to do, strike me down?
GW: Not me. (wind howls) You will feel Gaia’s wrath.
Me: Yeah, that’s just the wind.
GW: It is the will of Gaia.
Me: No, it’s just the wind.
GW: (thunder roars) What about that?
GW: (walks away) We shall see. We shall see.