Gaia’s Witness

The following is a transcript of a fake conversation I did not have with a Gaia’s Witness.

Gaia’s Witness: Hi. I’ve come to spread the word of Gaia.

Me: What?

GW: The great and almighty Gaia. The lord and protector of our planet, Earth.

Me: Are you serious?

GW: I certainly am. The divinity and benevolence of Gaia must be spread to all unbelievers.

Me: Unbelievers?

GW: Those that do not believe in…

Me: Yeah, I got that. What’s wrong with unbelievers?

GW: They don’t believe in the one true god.

Me: You know, many people have another true god. Who are you to say they are wrong?

GW: I am a Gaia’s Witness.

Me: So, you’ve actually witnessed Gaia?

GW: Gaia is with us always.

Me: Yeah, right, of course. So, is there some sort of book, or bible or something.

GW: Gaia forbid. That would require the death of millions of innocent trees.

Me: So how do you spread the word, I mean, apart from disturbing me on this fine Sunday morning.

GW: Through our speech, and that our messiah Al Gore.

Me: Yeah, I heard you guys were calling him a prophet now.

GW: Not a prophet, the messiah.

Me: As in…

GW: The son of Gaia.

Me: Ah.

GW: How did you celebrate your last Goremas?

Me: What?

GW: Goremas, March 31. The birth of our messiah.

Me: I didn’t even know that was a thing.

GW: It is the most important day in the Gaia’s Witness calendar. That is, until he is martyred as he is killed by evil conservatives, influenced by wicked shock jocks.

Me: I think you’re a bit paranoid.

GW: No, it is the prophecy.

Me: I haven’t heard that before.

GW: Only the most fervent apostles have heard it.

Me: A down side of abandoning the written word.

GW: It is unimportant.

Me: So, is Gore coming back? After he is crucified at the behest of Alan “Augustus” Jones?

GW: No, why would he?

Me: I guess Jesus kicks his arse.

GW: Oh, glorious Gaia, forgive this unbeliever, for he knows not what he does.

Me: Settle down, Tim.

GW: How did you know my name?

Me: I recognise the beard.

GW: I see.

Me: So, what would you have us believe?

GW: The wisdom and the power of Gaia, of course. And you must learn the act as a nervous system for the planet.

Me: So, you can feel the earth’s pain?

GW: Yes. I can.

Me: (tosses coke can outside) That hurt?

GW: What hurt? Oh yes! Ouch. That hurt.

Me: You’re faking, aren’t you?

GW: I am not.

Me: If you weren’t, you would be in constant pain because the planet is constantly being polluted.

GW: I’m used to it.

Me: Sure. Sure. So, how do you feel about science?

GW: I don’t mind it. Especially when it has to do with the evolution of kangaroos.

Me: Yeah, I like kangaroos too.

GW:I sense you have just been humouring me. You have no intention of kneeling down to the power of Gaia, do you?

Me: I was open to it, but then you told me there was kneeling involved.

GW: You lie.

Me: Okay, you got me. What are you going to do, strike me down?

GW: Not me. (wind howls) You will feel Gaia’s wrath.

Me: Yeah, that’s just the wind.

GW: It is the will of Gaia.

Me: No, it’s just the wind.

GW: (thunder roars) What about that?

Me: Coincidence.

GW: (walks away) We shall see. We shall see.


About Climate Nonconformist

Hi, I'm the climatenonconformist (not my real name), and I am a global warming skeptic, among the few in generation Y. With Australia facing the prospect of a carbon tax, we need to be asking the simple question; where is the evidence that our emissions are causing any dangerous warming?
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